so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
