when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
