Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
