My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
