i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
