I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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