im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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