Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
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I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
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I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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