Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
