i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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