You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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