i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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