girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
