Pappa wants mamma naked
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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