Ambien. No doubt about it.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
