Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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