The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
