I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
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