The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
