I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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