Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
