I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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