Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
