Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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