Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
