What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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