Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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