you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
