You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
