I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
