Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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