I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I would ride that face into the sunset
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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