I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
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There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
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Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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