i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
