Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
