Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just forgot I was standing up.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
