she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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