My underwear smells like fireworks.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
