I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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