I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
