if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
