Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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