i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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