Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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