so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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