you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
