I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
