Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
