I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
