I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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