gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.