i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
