My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
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If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.