i may or may not be watching the land before time
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
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Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
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He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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