Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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