I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
