3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
