I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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